It All Comes Down To Love

Life sucks.

Obstacles get thrown our way, we have to deal with untimely death and constant injustice in our every day lives. We have to fight illnesses and fight to keep our friends. We have to work hard, usually for a shitty person, just to have shelter and food. We’re forced to work through countless emotions, analyzing them, deciding how we’re going to act upon them, and storing them in our brains as memories that will show themselves upon our request, or whenever the hell they feel like it. We have to think about how our actions affect others and even how they affect our future actions. Are we supposed to have fucking ESP or something?

Anyhow, the point of it is: life is shitty. And extremely hard to deal with on our own. Some people can do it. Most can’t. The human being was designed to be intimate. We need the closeness of other human beings. We need to feel a bond, a connection, like someone else in this world can ACTUALLY understand what we’re going through. We need to feel beautiful, loved, appreciated. We need to feel like we belong. But the truth is, not everybody will find where they belong in life. Some people will go through their whole life feeling out of place, unloved, alone, ugly.

But even if you don’t feel that way, it is so important to be loved. If you aren’t a socialite or if you’re like the Katy Perry of Casselberry; everyone needs to feel important, that they have a purpose, and that someone out there sees that purpose in their eyes, and falls madly for it. Like that endorphin rush after you do something great, and you just wish that “high” would never end. I think it’s important that everyone feels like they’re that “high” for someone else, and they just can’t get enough.

But the trick is, you can’t control how you make someone else feel. We can barely control how we make ourselves feel! You can’t guarantee finding that someone by going out every night, and you can’t just decide who you fall in love with. It is completely up to the Universe. But I’ll let you in on a secret: it all works a whole lot better if you don’t look for it. If you don’t focus on love, then you focus on yourself. And what happens when you focus on yourself? You gain confidence and knowledge and all sorts of other really good shit. Which in turn, makes you beautiful. Because who can’t help but be attracted to someone who is happy or, at least, appears happy?

I know it’s hard to not think about the big, empty bed you sleep in by yourself at night. and that loveseat in your living room that reaffirms that the only love connection you have is with your dog, and God, of course, the horrible amount of oh so freaking happy couples you see on a daily basis; but focus on you. Focus on getting that beach body for summer, or that term paper you should’ve started writing at the BEGINNING of the semester, or even just sleeping in, because you deserve it, dammit. Just keep yourself looking in the other direction, and you’ll be very amazed who you bump into.

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20th Birthdays Suck

I can’t speak for all 20th birthdays, but mine definitely sucked. Here’s why:

It started out as a great day. I was awoken by my mom and three youngest siblings knocking on my door, bringing a trash can and a couple plants with them (my birthday presents, both of which I asked for and am grateful for). Then my best friend, whom I rarely see nowadays, came over and we went to Chipotle for lunch. We sat and talked for a couple of hours and caught up on everything. She gave me one of her handmade vodka bottle lights. I got home and took the dogs out for a walk, which has been long overdue. Bought some aloe for this horrible sunburn I got yesterday. Browsed the internet and killed time until I went to dinner with my grandfather.

This is where things began to turn sour. I get there early and when he finally arrives, it’s with his girlfriend, Carla. I have no qualms with Carla, but I just expected this to be a one-on-one dinner with Granddad. We had gotten somewhat close lately and I was kind of looking forward to getting to know him a little more. Nevertheless, dinner wasn’t bad and we parted ways. I get home and take my Psychology test and start up Pandora. That’s when my Depression decides to rear its ugly head. I feel the overwhelming need to cry, suicidal thoughts pour in, and I keep telling myself I have to push through it. Today is MY day. “Nothing bad has happened,” I keep telling myself. So I start a bonfire in the backyard, put on my James Taylor station (God bless that man), and text a few of my co-workers to come over after their shift if they would like. Well, turns out one of the cooks is already doing a Sunday Funday deal at his place. And since he’s the “cool kid” at work, everyone is going over there.

So here I am, sitting at home, listening to Fleetwood Mac near the bonfire all by myself. Sean, one of my best friends, decided he didn’t want to hang out this weekend, Will is barely answering his phone, and I didn’t hear anything from my dad at all today. Which is my fault, since I told him I didn’t want to talk to him for a very long time, but still, it’s my fucking birthday.

So, overall, really not a bad birthday for most people, but as someone who constantly feels alone and under-appreciated and inadequate, it was basically exactly what I didn’t need. Hopefully by the end of the night, someone will be a friend to me and stop by.

The Move pt. II

So….It’s been a year since I’ve written and living in Mount Dora has had a lot of ups and downs. There have been so many crazy things that have happened, I won’t even try to get into it all. I’ll just do an overview:

1. My grandfather now pays for my home internet, and thank God because I don’t know what I’d do without my daily Netflix and the ability to do homework at 4am.

2. Will and I started dating, I truly thought he and I would get married, and then we broke up and I’m trying not to think about it.

3. That Tim guy next door moved out and new guy, Jimmy, moved in. He and I became pretty close friends, until I let one of his friends stay with me, I kicked her out, she now lives with him, and they have their own little soap opera going on. He is now dealing cocaine out of the house.

4. I adopted a dog, PJ, who is also APBT like Petey. She is tan and white and so well-behaved and has absolutely no issues (other than occasionally getting too hyper and trying to eat my underwear). She will be taking over as my service dog after Petey retires in the upcoming months.

5. I have until the end of tomorrow, February 28th, to try and find a new place to live. I decided not to renew my lease here in search of something cheaper and closer to work/school/home. The search has been fruitless, thus far.

Those are the more important notes from the past year. Throw in some doctor/hospital visits, a couple of temporary second jobs, 3 finished TV series, a couple road trips to GA, and a pretty well-accomplished school semester and that is the jist of the past 12 months of my life. As you can see, I’m a pretty boring person.

Back to my original point of this post, I am moving again! Yay! Except for the fact that I now have 3 dogs (Pup, Petey, PJ), 2 of which are pits, and everything is SO DAMN EXPENSIVE. I am trying to move to Casselberry-Maitland-Winter Park area so that I’m closer to the kids and work and school and whatnot, and everything is like $1500 over there!! I figure since I’ll be saving so much money on gas that I can afford to bump my rent up to maybe $1000, but even finding something near that price is just ridiculously difficult. After my follow-up EKG at the doctor in a few hours, I’ll try to view a couple homes I’ve found and get a lease going. Wish me luck!

The Move

Well, just about a week ago, I signed a lease for my new home in Mt. Dora, FL. I practically fell in love with the house the first moment I saw the pictures online. It’s a 2/2 with a loft, fenced backyard, a shed, and front porch. Sure, it’s in a duplex, but still…this place is fantastic! And for only $800 a month, I couldn’t pass it up. However, money was still a worry for me. I took a look at my pay stubs and averaged out the amount I was making every month to be roughly $1500. Now, when you factor in utilities like electric, water, and garbage disposal, that brings the monthly expenses to about $980-$1000. With $500 left to spend on groceries, dog and cat food, gas, toiletries, repairs, and medical needs, you can see why I was concerned. I’ve lived without cable before, so that isn’t a big issue for me. Heck, when I lived with Gene, we had a damn VHS player. My biggest concern was the internet. I know I could go in town and use the free WiFi hotspots, but what about the comfort of home? What if I had something I really needed to get done and all the shops were closed in town for one of the seemingly endless amount of festivals they have? Yes, I still have my phone which can occasionally pick up a signal for a very, very slow internet connection, and thankfully my parents still pay for it. But I can’t help but think of all the “what if”s.

I’m discouraged enough looking at my Excel spreadsheet of finances, thinking, “How in the hell am I supposed to live like this?”, but I’ve already signed the lease and there is no turning back. I’ve started to think that this perhaps was a bad idea. I mean, I have $50 of wiggle room every month, according to the budget I’ve laid out for myself. If the electric bill is higher than I planned or if Petey ends up needing to go to the vet, I’m royally screwed. Sure, my parents would probably help out, but the entire reason for my moving out of the home was to break off connections to them. Not entirely, of course, (although that was the plan at first) but just enough to feel as though I am my own person. And the service industry is a very fickle thing to rely on for income. I can make $150 one night and only $15 the next. I’ve considered getting a second job, but that is just not fair at all to Petey. He’s bummed enough that I spend so much time at work as it is, I couldn’t leave him home alone all damn day. Especially not after moving to an entirely different environment.

When I first found the home, I did so much research on the area. I planned out how much I should expect to spend on water and electric in that area, I started keeping track of how much money I was actually pocketing each day at work, and I looked at jobs in that area that I could begin before I actually moved in. I looked at my belongings and decided what to keep and what to cut out, I’ve stopped eating out so much, and I’ve been using cash vs. the debit card so I’m more conscious of my spending. I haven’t even moved out there yet, and I’m already freaking out. And especially with my impulsive tendencies and fear of commitment, it’s started to make me itchy knowing that I’m required to live there for an entire year. I can actually see this being my forever home, despite the fact it’s in a duplex. However, my stress level has really skyrocketed this past week. I hope that as time passes and things begin to settle more, and I find someone to take over my lease here at the Rouse House, and I get confirmation from the GD in Apopka, and I actually begin to move my things into the Dora House, that I will calm down and enjoy my new life. I will no longer worry about coming home to the roommate’s messes, I will get the furniture and dishes I like, I will have my very own bathroom, and best of all, I won’t have to pay for someone else’s use of A/C (which I almost never use) and their 30 minute showers.

All of this chaos, some important and some frivolous, going on in my head, I believe I can get through. Even if I pay rent by the skin of teeth and eat rice and beans for the next 12 months, I know I will find a way. I always do. Despite all my financial concerns, I think the part that is truly going to eat away at me will be the loneliness. I’ve never really lived alone; I’ve always had roommates. And even then, the times I felt lonely, I always had the internet or the TV to provide noise or comfort. But without that in this new home, and without any roommates, I don’t know how I’ll cope. Sure, I have Petey and he is absolutely my favorite boy to cuddle and play with, but human-dog interaction can only go so far. I can’t have a deep conversation with him or even ask for his advice on a problem at work. But I’m just really hoping that without the internet and TV, I’ll realize what a beautiful small town I’m in and take advantage of that. I’ll walk Pete to the park, fish on the lake, get to know my neighbors, volunteer more, perhaps get back into writing and painting and playing my guitar. Maybe I’ll even get to take the canoe out.

Okay, enough deep thought for now, I’m going to enjoy the Netflix while I can. “Rule of Engagement” is calling me and with Petey by my side and a decent amount of food in my belly, I couldn’t be more content.